If You Want To Do It, You Can

By Lauren Brenner-Katz, home schooling parent

My arms were heavy with costumes, props, a smelly lunch box, and bouquets of flowers. It was 9:30 p.m., and my daughter's summer camp just wrapped up a brilliant performance of "Willy Wonka." It had been an exciting yet stressful day -- for both the actors and parents. The kids were exhausted and starving. I had a pounding headache. All we wanted was to somehow make it to the car, get home, and fall into bed.

I was almost at the exit when out of the corner of my eye I saw someone rushing toward me. She was dragging a sheepish husband, pointing at me as she approached. "That's the woman I told you about who home schools her kids!" she gushed, as if I were some kind of saint or earth mother goddess.

My headache erupted into a full-blown migraine.

Not now, I silently prayed. No questions now. I remembered her from my kids' dance classes. She and I both sat on the bench each Monday outside the studio, waiting and watching the class through the window. "Where does your daughter go to school?" led to "Oh my goodness! Is that legal?" Week after week, she asked me questions about home schooling. She was so interested, so intrigued, I actually began to believe she might end up home schooling her daughter.

Turns out she was only a voyeur.

"Honey, these are her KIDS!" she said to her husband, now pointing to my weary children, who gave me that "this is all your fault" look. Through my throbbing headache, I heard her say something about a radio show claiming home schooling was the up-and-coming thing. The exiting crowd pushed past us. I apologized for being too tired to chat.

"I just want you to know how much I admire your decision to home school," she said, adding, "I'd home school, too, IF I could."

I smiled politely. "We'll talk soon."

Over the next few days, I thought a lot about her remark. "I'd do it, IF I could." From our hours on the dance studio bench, I knew she could home school, if she wanted to. She had the time, resources, and support to make it happen, even more than most homeschoolers I know. Certainly there are many people who can't or even shouldn't home school. But the truth is, in my daily travels I encounter countless more who DO have what it takes. And yet they still remark, "I'd do it IF I could."

What do they think we have that they don't? With total honesty, I too could say, "I'd home school, IF I could." I could easily list a dozen valid reasons why I absolutely, positively, CAN'T home school.

For instance, my work as a writer demands focused concentration, which requires peace and quiet at home. My husband travels all the time, I don't like field trips or museums, and park days give my kids the willies. I hate a messy house, can't stand preparing meals, and am driven to distraction by squabbling kids. My kids don't always listen to me, I'm phobic about math, and I get claustrophobic if I don't get enough time to myself every day.

But do we home school? YOU BET. We've done it through serious illnesses, family problems, and a case of toxic mold that resulted in three moves within 8 months. Does home schooling work? Yes indeed, in spite of our shortcomings. My kids are smart, bright, and self-motivated. "Would you two ever want to go to school instead of doing this?" I ask. "NO WAY!" they reply in unison.

Come to think of it, most of the home schooling parents I know really "can't" home school, either. If they wanted to, they could rattle off a litany of reasons why they are too busy, too impatient, too broke, too clueless. Just to confirm this hunch, I signed on to a home schooling email loop and asked the moms to share the limitations that could prevent them from home schooling -- if they let them.

"Why can't you home school?" I asked, tongue-in-cheek. The replies came back immediately.

"I can't home school because I don't really like being in the company of children for very long stretches of time," one mother wrote in all honesty. "And I dislike having to provide supervision for them all day long." Yet she has been home schooling her two children for years. "I'm too much of a control freak when it comes to their education," she explained. "There isn't a school good enough for me."

Another mom wrote, "I can't home school because I work fulltime and my husband isn't around much during the work week... also, I'm lazy and would rather drink tea and read the newspaper than home school." She added, "On the other hand, I really LIKE my kids. They won't be around for long, so I'd better spend all the time that I can ith them. They'll be out of here before I know it." She's also been happily home schooling for years.

Finally there was the email from Katie, a friend who had more reasons not to home school than anyone else on this planet. Her list included: "Single Mom in the process of divorcing. Homeless for seven months, living with three people in one room house of generous friends (including one dog and one cat). Being treated for past three years for Metastasis Breast Cancer with one form of chemotherapy or another, dealing with side effects, unplanned trips to the doctor and hospital stays, and sick days that leave me bedridden."

Yet she home schooled her two boys with more commitment and devotion and love than anyone I have ever known. "Home schooling has been great through the whole ordeal!" she wrote. "It's kept us close and connected to each other as we deal with the difficulties life has brought us right now. I can't imagine dropping my kids off at a school each day for strangers to help them deal with their anger and confusion about the changes taking place in their lives."

As ill as she was when she wrote this email, she ended with a lengthy brag about all the wonderful activities and abilities of her two boys. Finally, she mentioned talking to her son's foreign language teacher, who had a two-year old son. "Of course, I put in a big plug for homecoming. We need to start them thinking about when their kids are young!"

That was Katie. Always grateful for her life, always passionate about home schooling, always looking to inspire and help others.

Now whenever people say, "I'd home school, IF I could," I want to introduce them to Katie. But she passed away, not long after writing that beautiful email. So it's up to those who knew her to share the message of her life. The next time someone says, "I'd love to home school, IF I could," I'll reply with what Katie would say.

"If you want to do it, you can."